Leap
2016
Directed by Eric Sumner and Eric Warin
One of only two Saturday mornings I'll get to spend at home between tours this go-round found me at the Northgate Mall in a nearly empty theater for the 10:30 a.m. showing of Leap, an animated feature from the Weinstein Company. By my side was my trusty movie-going companion, Roman.
We were a few minutes late, because Roman's brother had gotten himself invited over into the neighbor's yard just before go-time, but neither of us are particular about arrival times unless the movie is The Lion King, which we'll discuss here in the near future. We took our seats near the front -- Roman observed "the chair is broken"; the vinyl padding on the armrest was badly cracked, and this holds true, based on a sample taken of the neighboring four seats, throughout the theater -- and watched a well-animated but entirely toxic movie that hit all my "I wish I had better movies to show my kids" spot. Poop and fart? Yes, indeed, in plenty: current-day makers of children's movies lean hard on the poop and fart, and we had the pleasure of consecutive poop gags within five minutes of settling in (one bird, one I don't remember except having tallied it).
The plot of the movie is as follows: an orphan flees to Paris, gains work scrubbing the floors of an evil rich woman's house, intercepts the rich woman's daughter's acceptance to the ballet conservatory, and becomes a ballerina. Predictably, the ruse is exposed, which leads to a dance-off, which the orphan wins; she dances "The Nutcracker," with the blessing of the evil rich woman's daughter, who recognizes the interloper's passion for ballet, a passion lacking in the otherwise talented r.w.d.
I hated this movie; every hoary gender-relations cliché is centered to get the children believing this shit early -- the smart kid who loves the ballerina is awkward and she can't see that he's dating material until he saves her life; discipline is portrayed as something you learn in an afternoon, always subordinate to "heart" and at any rate not really that big a deal; the "awkward" kid's fat friend drools, farts, and has a runny nose, because of course fat kids are only there for us to laugh at, and they don't mind, because they know their place: in the shadow of the star.
But the worst thing was the music -- melody-free post-Mariah dreck of the worst possible stripe, vague ideas for songs run through some pre-sets in ProTools and slathered over dreamless beats. What music do we hear when it's finally time to dance The Nutcracker? If you guessed Tchaikovsky, you're wrong; it's just some already-forgotten tune about reaching for your dreams.
Roman had a good time all the same, which is all that matters to me; I enjoy taking Roman to the movies and I don't much care if the movie's bad or good, as long as we get popcorn & a soda & get to spend a fun morning together. I keep my thoughts about the movie to myself, except to affirm Roman's observations: "They're happy!" "It's dark!" "A horse!" But here, I'll be talking at a little more length about the stuff the studios think is fit to set before our most important citizens. It won't all be negative -- so far, in movie-going, we've got a pretty good track record -- but we might as well get this real stinker out of the way. We give Leap 1/2 of a grind, a rating we'll explain in a future entry. Welcome!
2016
Directed by Eric Sumner and Eric Warin
One of only two Saturday mornings I'll get to spend at home between tours this go-round found me at the Northgate Mall in a nearly empty theater for the 10:30 a.m. showing of Leap, an animated feature from the Weinstein Company. By my side was my trusty movie-going companion, Roman.
We were a few minutes late, because Roman's brother had gotten himself invited over into the neighbor's yard just before go-time, but neither of us are particular about arrival times unless the movie is The Lion King, which we'll discuss here in the near future. We took our seats near the front -- Roman observed "the chair is broken"; the vinyl padding on the armrest was badly cracked, and this holds true, based on a sample taken of the neighboring four seats, throughout the theater -- and watched a well-animated but entirely toxic movie that hit all my "I wish I had better movies to show my kids" spot. Poop and fart? Yes, indeed, in plenty: current-day makers of children's movies lean hard on the poop and fart, and we had the pleasure of consecutive poop gags within five minutes of settling in (one bird, one I don't remember except having tallied it).
The plot of the movie is as follows: an orphan flees to Paris, gains work scrubbing the floors of an evil rich woman's house, intercepts the rich woman's daughter's acceptance to the ballet conservatory, and becomes a ballerina. Predictably, the ruse is exposed, which leads to a dance-off, which the orphan wins; she dances "The Nutcracker," with the blessing of the evil rich woman's daughter, who recognizes the interloper's passion for ballet, a passion lacking in the otherwise talented r.w.d.
I hated this movie; every hoary gender-relations cliché is centered to get the children believing this shit early -- the smart kid who loves the ballerina is awkward and she can't see that he's dating material until he saves her life; discipline is portrayed as something you learn in an afternoon, always subordinate to "heart" and at any rate not really that big a deal; the "awkward" kid's fat friend drools, farts, and has a runny nose, because of course fat kids are only there for us to laugh at, and they don't mind, because they know their place: in the shadow of the star.
But the worst thing was the music -- melody-free post-Mariah dreck of the worst possible stripe, vague ideas for songs run through some pre-sets in ProTools and slathered over dreamless beats. What music do we hear when it's finally time to dance The Nutcracker? If you guessed Tchaikovsky, you're wrong; it's just some already-forgotten tune about reaching for your dreams.
Roman had a good time all the same, which is all that matters to me; I enjoy taking Roman to the movies and I don't much care if the movie's bad or good, as long as we get popcorn & a soda & get to spend a fun morning together. I keep my thoughts about the movie to myself, except to affirm Roman's observations: "They're happy!" "It's dark!" "A horse!" But here, I'll be talking at a little more length about the stuff the studios think is fit to set before our most important citizens. It won't all be negative -- so far, in movie-going, we've got a pretty good track record -- but we might as well get this real stinker out of the way. We give Leap 1/2 of a grind, a rating we'll explain in a future entry. Welcome!
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